Category: Blog

“Forever In My Heart” 

Jeannie Yee Davis

I can’t believe that it’s been three years since you relocated to heaven. Everything is still fresh in my mind, and it feels like it was yesterday, but time betrays me and keeps moving forward. Every day it does, I fear I would forget a little bit more of you and our life together. I don’t want to lose any memory of us! I couldn’t believe Cynthia said I should move away because there are too many memories of you here. Seriously? After you left, I suffered from PTSD without knowing it. All I knew was that I couldn’t remember the simplest things about you, which scared me. It was bad enough losing you, but to lose every memory of your existence was too much to bear. I freaked out and began jotting down every recollection of you I remembered. I knew I would be all right as each memory resurfaced.

I can’t see you, and I can’t hear you, but I feel your presence. It’s funny. Remember how you teased me for saying something to you then ran off before you could answer me, and when you answered, I couldn’t hear you? Well, little did we know, that was the dress rehearsal for our new reality because I talk to you, and I know you are talking back to me, but I can’t hear you—just like old times. It’s comforting knowing some things never change. Yeah, I knew you’d like that. I see you smiling and shaking your head, Markie, and a smile tickles my face.

Cynthia was wrong. I don’t ever want to leave our home for the simple reason that everywhere I look, there is you. Remember when you played the piano, I would bring whatever I was working on into the living room to be near you? I still do that. Every time I pass by your seat in the family room and catch your wiggling finger wave, I smile. I see a shadow cast onto the carpet upstairs, and I know you’re heading into my writing office to look for me just like old times, and I chuckle, knowing that I’m in the other room watching you look for me. Some things never change, right, honey?

I still shop with you in mind. Crazy, right? But, old habits die hard. Food was your passion, and it became a habit to discover unique foods to surprise you and spoil you with your favorite treats. I only wish you would speak louder for me to hear you critique my findings, Markie.

I miss you with a vengeance as reality sets in, confirming that you are not coming through the door this time. I still look, expecting you to appear. With every sound, it’s a natural high that you would be coming through the door any moment with your carefree voice in a sing-song, “Hi, honey, I’m home.” Oh, such music to my ears. And, oh such joy, to run to the door and throw my arms around you and proclaim, “Honey, I missed you!” These moments are evergreen. As are the times you greeted me upon my return home with a puppy boy face and oh so sad voice, “Baby, I missed you! Where have you been all my life?” How could anybody not cave to that?

We were inseparable, you and me, and that hasn’t changed. Everywhere I go, you go. Everything I do, you do with me. We talk to each other. It may not be ideal, but we find ways to do so. I’m thankful you are still, as unconventional as it is, in my life as my guardian angel. You are the best angel for the job because you always have my best interest at heart. Having you near me, I feel confident, strong, and safe, but so often, I still need the real you, Markie. Nothing could replace YOU. There is much that I can’t do without you. Some days are still more challenging than others. 

I long to have a conversation with you every day. I miss your words of wisdom more than you will ever know. You’re privy to everything in my life, but what about you? I miss hearing from you. I always cherish what you think and what you feel. Are you happy? What have you been up to? I don’t even know what to ask you, but I’m curious about your new world. I imagine you are well and get along with the other angels like you got along with people, but what is it like in heaven? I would love to know. What do you do when you’re not watching over me? I miss hearing about your day. I miss hearing you speak, and I miss being with you! I dream of spending a day with you and catching up. I know I ask a lot, but I’m a dreamer.

More often than not, I yearn to fall into your gentle arms and be comforted the way that only you could. I desire our life together as we knew it. It was a beautiful life. We had it made in the shade with purple Kool-Aid. Why couldn’t it last forever? 

Nothing lasts forever except your love for a good Snickerdoodle. I get this feeling that I chose well at your Celebration of Life with your two favorites, Snickerdoodles and lemon meringue pie. Since every year about now, I feel your nudge for a Snickerdoodle, and I hear you say, “You can never have too many Snickerdoodles.” Okay then, you know very well that I aim to please you, my honey. 

You always were, are, and will be the love of my life. And, Markie, like your forever favorite cookie, nothing will stop us from living on forever in my heart.

ILYVM, Globfly! 💜🖖👊

Jeannie Yee Davis

No matter what we did or where we went, one thing was sure—all good things must come to an end. Such as it was when we were starting out getting to know each other by doing all those things people did in the name of dating. 

When Mark and I met, we were both living at home. We started off dating once a week, but it was soon apparent that we desired to be together. From that point on, we hung out as much as two people could. We aligned our schedules to meet between classes and after school before we headed to work. He either picked me up after work or came over to my house after he got off. There wasn’t a day when we didn’t see each other at least once and talked on the phone at night until one of us fell asleep—usually me. We were inseparable. It was amazing we got anything done when there was only one thing on our minds—being together. 

I can still feel the anticipation of Mark’s arrival. I was on the edge of my seat until he showed up. The moment we were together, we were in our special place, impenetrable by time—regardless of where we were—at the movies, a restaurant, roller skating, driving around town, doing homework together, it didn’t matter. I was in my happy place on Cloud 9.

As twilight faded into the night, and with each repetition of Mark’s car tires that took me closer and closer to my home, dread replaced my happiness, and that was the saddest time of day—leaving him.

On a sweltering September day, we made it official. You’d think 24/7 would grow old. Maybe for some folks, but not for us. We remained true to never-being-apart-for-long. We shared everything, but at times, we respected our separate lives. When we were apart, I hastened home from whatever good time I had to be with Mark. When he was away, I eagerly awaited his return home—just like our dating days. Mark was the one person that I truly loved being with constantly.

The three weeks I spent in San Diego with my family during my mother’s final weeks was our most extended separation, which was unbearable and tortuous. We talked on the phone or FaceTime each other daily, but it didn’t replace being together. The day Mark drove to San Diego for my mother’s funeral, I was beside myself and nearly walked the distance out to meet him partway. 

Little did I know that God was using those times to strengthen me and prepare me for what was to come. God equipped me with more and more circumstances that kept us apart. Not even Mark’s regular hospital stays could do that as I practically moved in with him. Although I had many “saddest time of day” moments throughout my life with Mark, in hindsight, none of those moments were the saddest time of day. What I would give to be awaiting Mark’s return home once again instead of him leaving me forever, and that, indeed, was the saddest time of day.

It was hard to believe that I survived the first year’s Angelversary of Mark’s (aka Globfly’s) relocation to heaven. Here it is Globfly’s second Angelversary, which feels no different than the first, with each emotion and memory no less crystal. Not having had the prior experience, I didn’t know I was suffering from PTSD during the first year of Mark’s passing. In overcoming this challenge, memories of Mark escaped from the void that held my memories captive. I feel like I was on Santa’s good list when I received a mental chest containing Globfly memories, and now I feel whole again. 

Time warps by, and before you know it, it’s a year later, and you wonder where your time went. I look in my rearview mirror through the cascade of months with December in the forefront, big and bold, slightly hovering over an equally bold but a smidgen smaller November with October, firm, holding its own as each subsequent month fades to an opaque blur. Yet, time doesn’t fade Mark’s memory from the face of this earth—not for me. Those of you who follow my blog and column know that he continues to live in my world. Why not? It wasn’t by his choice that he couldn’t be here to journey on with us. 

It wasn’t my choice, either. I’m grateful for all the memories we shared, and I’m ecstatic for being a camera bug affording us mounds of photos captured of good times we had with each other as well as with people who shared moments with us. Yet, nothing replaces the real thing. I miss Globfly more than I care to admit. I miss his scent, his touch, his baby-soft hair, his perfect beard, his witty sense of humor, his wisdom, his knowledge and how he knew a little bit of a lot of things, his handyman abilities, his support, and his being my #1 biggest fan and best editor. I miss being near him. I miss his piano playing. I miss doing things with him and even doing nothing with him. I miss him, period. Missing the little mundane things that made each day nice is the most challenging part—little things like watching a favorite movie or TV show, having a simple meal together, going for a Sunday drive on a beautiful day, or strolling along the hiking trail. I miss folding sheets with him. He was the only one who folded in sync with me, instinctively. I miss his being my taste tester. I miss his delicate palate that knew what ingredient was distinctively too much or too little. I miss pawning off tasks that I dread doing. Not often does someone tell you, “whatever you don’t want to do, give it to me.” I have a few things here that I wouldn’t mind handing over to him now. I miss racing home to be with him. I miss the moment he comes through the door after a day away. Having him near me made everything better.

Mark had a carefree attitude naturally, and he tried as he did to help me “let things roll off my shoulders.” I didn’t know how to let things roll off my shoulders because I was good at being tight as a drum. He was a happy-go-lucky kind of guy who always had a smile on his face and loved to be with his friends and family. I was the uptight one who had too much to do with too little time to do it in and with too much worrying. Mark marched to the beat of his own drum and didn’t care what people thought of him while I was, still am, hypersensitive and cared more than I should about what people thought of me. We balanced each other out nicely. I miss our balance. As I morph into the new me, he becomes a part of who I am as I grow and improve. He’s been helping me to loosen up and lighten up, and I like the new me. 

I know that he would have wanted me to be happy and to keep living, and I vowed to do just that and live for him, too. Sadly, I can’t do all the things that he would have wanted to do. All I can do is live my life and live it well so that when we meet again, he will plant a kiss on my noggins and say, “You did well. I’m proud of you!” Knowing this helped me move forward, take one step at a time, and maintain our traditions and rituals that made us happy. Like decking the halls for this Christmas, I did so begrudgingly, thinking what’s the point since I’m all alone. Because Christmas was Mark’s favorite holiday, I pushed forward and decked the halls. Once done, my spirits perked up, and I’m glad I did it for him, which blessed me in return. 

What got me through this past year was one of the last things Mark said to me, “If you’re going to write, it’s now or never. Just do it!” Mark always had my best interest at heart, believed in me, and he knew what I was capable of even if I didn’t. I wasn’t sure if I could do it or not, but I feared disappointing Mark more than I feared failure. I went for it and launched my writing career in May with 17 Blogs, 13 Story Showcases, 88 Columns, and a new novel in the works to show for my efforts. I’m not done, but that was a magnificent start, if I may say so myself. I know that Mark’s been working with me, editing as I write. We were a great team, and Markie Angel and I continue to be a great team. This year’s theme was, “Just Do It!” Now that I’ve proven to myself that I can write, I look forward to the new year when my theme will be “Make It So” by taking my writing to the next level.

A friend said, “It’s impossible to see you without Mark next to you.” I agree. In the spirit of honoring Globfly’s memory today, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that Globfly is with me always. He is my guardian angel, Markie Angel, and having him near me helps me make it through each day. With that said, he’s patiently waiting for his all-time favorite cookie, Snickerdoodles that I honor his memory with today. If you have a Snickerdoodle on hand, please enjoy it in memory of Globfly. ILYVM G!💜