A Moment in My Life – Thursday, October 14, 2021
Jeannie Yee Davis
“In the Still of the Night” played in the background filling my thoughts with memories of all those nights I was exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. Closing my eyes meant giving my mind free rein to wander from one memory to the next, longing for my old life with my honey when sleepless nights meant rolling over and snuggling up in his gentle arms—a sure sleep inducer. Instead, I roll over to a box of MidNite sleep aid on the nightstand that eases me into sleep. It began as a friend I called upon after an hour or so of sleeplessness when I couldn’t ward off the gremlins in the dark of my mind that told me fables of all the disturbing things in my life now. MidNite has become my dearest friend, who I rely on nightly to avoid the gremlins.
It’s a vicious cycle. If you can’t sleep, you become more exhausted and less resistant to those gremlins, which means you’re most lightly not sleeping tonight. Some people wallow in the dark side, but I choose not to go there. I’d try anything, within healthy limits, that is, to get a good night’s sleep. Some nights are rougher than others. When trying as I may, I cannot chase out the gremlins. That’s when I discovered the Hallmark channel of family-friendly programming with feel-good endings. I replay scenes from my favorite movies, and most likely, I’d smile my way into sleep.
Something about the romance movies get me floating for days afterward. It’s a story someone made up, but imagining a couple in love is so endearing. It might be depressing to see others happy in love when we are alone, lonely, and have no one to love. It may make us long for raindrops falling from the sky to conveniently hide the tears streaking down our faces from the ache we feel inside. For me, however, oh, how these stories warm my heart like sunshine and help me make it through my days, and especially my nights. Being in love with the right person is the most beautiful act in the world as far as I’m concerned. I remember being newly in love. My honey and I held hands all the time. My family teased us for not letting go even while we were eating. Hey, that’s what new lovers do. You can’t separate them for anything.
As engaging as a movie goes, it doesn’t replace real life. It provides some comfort for a moment, but nothing replaces a soft touch, a gentle squeeze of a sensual embrace, or the whiff of his unique scent that flutters the butterflies in your stomach. Or heats your cheeks when you look into his eyes, and he smiles only for you. You miss each other when you’re apart, and your hugs last longer than any others. Mutual attractions do so much for healing.
To move forward, we need something to look forward to, such as a new relationship, a new life, or a fresh start—some newness that lifts our self-esteem. The excitement of a new relationship changes your perspective by giving you something new to focus on. It revives your emotions and your passions, reminding you of who you are as a person. It gives you purpose to live again—to live a new life and permits you to leave your old life in a safe place, but in your past where it belongs.
My honey and I never spoke about the “what if” one of us passes on. For me, it was denial. I didn’t want to think about that topic. In hindsight, I now wish we did. It would’ve made it a lot easier had I gotten his blessings to move on with someone else. Of course, our vows said, “Until death do us part.” I know many people who have remarried in widowhood. Yet, it felt like a betrayal to me for the longest time. I plan on being with my honey when I go to heaven, but then, how does that work if I have a new someone? Then, I learned that we wouldn’t be “a husband and a wife” in heaven, but instead, we will all be as one. Of course, God would keep it simple. It took a while for this to sink in. It’s fine with me now.
I’ve got so many hang-ups. That’s why I write the things I write. I’m working through all these processes and taking you along for the ride. I struggled with the idea of loving someone else other than my honey. That also feels like a betrayal. However, I’m learning that humans are capable of loving more than one person. We have humongous hearts that can love many in different ways. Knowing this is helping me to move on without losing any part of my honey while giving a part of my heart away to someone new.
My honey was my sunshine, who would’ve done anything for my happiness. The feeling was mutual. My honey wore big shoes that were extremely hard to fill. Knowing that he always has my best interest at heart, I know that when the timing is right, he’ll miraculously make sure there will be someone special who can fit his shoes, even if not perfectly. After all, every day, there is sunshine, but each canvas is unique and beautiful. As I waltz through my life enjoying each Hallmark movie, I know that there will be light and dark days, and I will be okay as long as there is sunshine and raindrops.