A Moment in My Life – Monday, September 13, 2021
Jeannie Yee Davis
The song and dance of life hold different meanings for different people. For me, the song represents the cards life dealt me, and the dance represents the choices I made with them. Everybody goes through a song and dance ritual, but, for most, in a mundane sort of way because life is hunky-dory—nothing stands out. That’s not a bad thing because who wants trials and tribulations? Surely, not me, but a mundane life wasn’t in my deck of cards.
It always felt like one step forward and two or three steps backward. It seemed as soon as I began feeling good about things, then the other shoe dropped. It was as if God constantly humbled me with little relaxed moments in between. Sometimes, I laugh and tell God that when I meet Him in heaven, we’re going to sit down and have a talk. I’m inquisitive, and I want answers.
There is a lot I don’t understand, but in walking with God, He does reveal the answers that I seek at the right times. He gives me what I need when I need it—no more, no less. He equips me for what is to come, and now in hindsight, I understand why there was little downtime in between humbling episodes. Life goes on with or without my paying attention. Every card dealt me, like it or not, made me the person I am today. At times, it felt unfair that my deck of cards contained so many challenges, whereas others had the most boring lives where nothing ever happened. I know that’s not true because everybody’s deck includes some kind of challenges unique to them. It’s the “grass is greener in the neighbor’s yard” syndrome. The truth be told, if I asked my neighbor, he’s likely to think I had the greener grass. The bottom line is that God is a just God, and He equips each of us for what is to come in our lives. As unpleasant as some of my cards were, I’m so grateful for that truth, but I am not quite at that point yet where I’d say I’m glad it happened the way it did.
Every challenge I experienced was necessary to prepare me to live my life on my own. It couldn’t be more pronounced than the months following my husband’s demise when unbeknownst to anybody, including me, I was suffering from PTSD. I was alone, but God surrounded me with people who cared about me. For a solo person, I was never lonely. Every day, many loving people filled my day in some way. My social life couldn’t be fuller. Although, I was mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted after weathering the many intense months of suffering my late husband endured. Not to mention bearing the aftermath of putting my life back together without my husband in it. Plus, the emotional ups and downs of my new position. My mind was a blank slate. I went through the motions when I was with someone, but I honestly believed my life ended with his. I didn’t verbalize this thought to anyone, but I wanted to lock myself away and be a hermit and stop living. What was the point? The life I adored was gone.
God knew what I was thinking and going through. Again, He wasn’t going to let me relax into my plans. Instead, He put me back on the saddle with a vengeance, mind you. I thought I would never travel again, but God had to have the final word. Instead, I never traveled as much as I did that first year of widowhood (whoa, this is the first time I ever used that word). I was also dreading my birthday since it was my first birthday without my husband. Again, I told nobody my fears, but God knew. Who would have guessed that my older sister would treat me to an early birthday cruise in May, checking off two birds with one stone in that single statement—covering my birthday and travel? A month later, my BFF, Noreen, bought my airfare and invited me to vacation with her in Seattle. My younger sister gave me an airline ticket to San Diego as my birthday gift. This trip would’ve been my first time celebrating with my family the July birthdays had I not ended up spending that whole vacation in the hospital with a heart attack the day before my flight out.
It was a traumatizing week where the hospital staff danced around as if I were fragile. One friend scared the bejeebies out of me when he said his farewells to me, saying that he knew I missed my husband and that I was now on my way to be with him. Whoa! Hold on, mister! Let’s not rush things here! Sure, I miss him every day, but I wasn’t ready to leave this world yet. One doctor said had I gotten on that plane, I wouldn’t have made it. Another said I was weeks away from another heart attack. It turned out my heart was fractured (hence, my heart was figuratively and physically broken), and it was damaged so severely that it was too risky to perform any procedure on it. Although, that unfortunate event turned out to be a blessing in disguise where I celebrated my birthday, not alone, but with more visitors and birthday cake than I had in my entire life. And, I am living proof that miracles can happen since God restored my heart without surgery.
There is a time and place for everything, but sometimes things are harder to deal with, like after being a couple for thirty-plus years, you find yourself single. Life continues regardless, and people have babies and get married. It’s an honor to receive an invitation, but it’s nerve-wracking for a new single. Attending a baby banquet alone isn’t that bad, but a wedding is entirely a different story and stressful. Everything is subjective. The pandemic with everybody on the same boat allowed me to catch up with my new status, a blessing in disguise. It was reassuring.
I thought I beat the odds and was doing very well adapting to my new status as everybody slowly returned to everyday life. Who was I fooling, though? This morning, it felt like déjà vu seeing the ambulance and fire truck pull up to my neighbor’s house, which triggered the memory of them coming for my husband. Immediately the tears spilled down my face. I guess some emotions never go away, but I have come a long way.
Every action has a consequence, and that’s when I realized that every card dealt me made me a stronger person who can withstand the effects that are a part of my life now. I endured more challenges than many people, but it made me a survivor, which I need now. Do I like it? No, but I will be okay because God equipped me for this path.
It may not be apparent as we go through the motions of life, but what I have come to know about God is that He is precise and intentional. He doesn’t play games. Everything He puts in our deck of cards has a purpose to equip us for what’s to come. I’m grateful for all the life lessons that He used to prepare me for today, and I know I can continue to trust Him because He always has my best interest at heart, and come what may, I know He has blessed the song and dance of my life.