Author: jdavis

A Moment in My Life – Monday, May 10, 2021

Elaine came over after her Mother’s Day celebration, and we went walking along the walking trails near my home. She is an extrovert and has been climbing the walls in the pandemic. As soon as she was vaccinated, she invited me out for a walk, which I declined until now. We’re both fully vaccinated, and the time felt right. After our walk, we sat on my porch, and we gabbed until the breeze turned into winds indicating our date was over. Nice to know the weather was looking out for us. Even sitting outside, we should be mindful of the amount of time we spend together. Especially since after our walk, we relaxed our masks while we sat together.

This reality is all new territory. Previously, I mentioned that I’ve gotten tentative dates waiting for me to ink them onto my calendar. I’m slowly making good on them. I love quality time with my buddies, but I am still a bit apprehensive, or perhaps, cautious might be a better word. This quality is a logical and good one since it’s too soon to drop our guards. 

If you need a reason to remain vigilant, let me enlighten you. I know a couple who both contracted Covid last month. Both of her lungs filled with pneumonia. She fell into a coma, and they intubated her. A day later, she passed away. He survived the virus with pneumonia on one lung. He’s recovered from Covid but continues to suffer from a daily bloody cough. 

Since more and more people are getting vaccinated and California is relaxing their tiers as virus and death toll numbers lessen, I was curious how this couple caught Covid. It turned out that their twenty-something daughter met a new guy who exposed her and her family to Covid. This couple wasn’t eligible for the vaccine for another few weeks. Ugh. Such is life. It didn’t stop there. The new boyfriend also exposed his grandfather and uncle to Covid, and they lost their lives as well. This incident was indeed a tragedy. As heartbreaking as it was, this is our new reality. Even with the increasing vaccinations while decreasing virus numbers, we have to stay vigilant and take precautions at all times. Nobody should rely on others to take the safeguards for us. Each of us needs to tend to our safety. In doing so, we are keeping others around us safe, even if they don’t. 

I know I’m preaching to the choir, but you never know. I’m sure these kids weren’t thinking the same way I’m thinking. If they were, perhaps they wouldn’t have gotten and then spread Covid. They paid a hefty price because of their negligence or ignorance. They will have to live with the consequences for the rest of their lives. It’s too late for those two families, but I’m hoping readers will take this seriously and continue to be cautious with every decision we make to help stop the spread of this vicious virus. We can’t count on others to do it for us. The bottom line is that we can’t be too careful.

A Moment in My Life – Friday, May 7, 2021

Wasn’t it a gorgeous Friday? It was way too lovely to stay home. On a beautiful day like today, Mark and I would’ve taken a long drive seeking an infrequent lunch locale as a treat. These days, on a day like today, I would take my Veloster out for a pleasant twenty-minute freeway drive to keep her battery charged. A while back, I discovered what I call “the freeway loop,” which begins on 101 South to 92 West and returning on 280 North completing the loop. If I go 65-70 mph, I reach 20 minutes by the Black Mountain Road exit. 

Today, I reached twenty minutes before I passed the Millbrae exit on 101 South, thanks to some accident ahead. All the lanes were packed with me in the third lane tailing behind the grey F150 with the tinted window that obstructed any visibility I had of what was ahead. By the time I reached the accident site, only residual debris had remained. The lesson that I learned from this drive was not to bother weaving in and out of the lane, which the old impatient me would have done. Today, I remained behind the F150 as the same cars passed me on both sides, with me taking a turn passing them. In the end, none of us got any farther ahead until the traffic cleared. It’s been a long time since I got stuck in traffic. Today, after half-hour of it, I understood why commuters traded in their stick shift for an automatic.

Since I met my twenty-minute battery charging time before leaving 101, I took the opportunity to visit Whole Foods in San Mateo. I haven’t been there since before the pandemic. Now that Whole Foods partnered with Amazon, it is quite different from the last time I was there. Whether the changes were due to the pandemic or not, I have no idea. They did away with the bulk aisle, which is fine. Sprouts pre-bagged their bulk supplies, which I expected the same from Whole Foods, but instead, they did away with it altogether. There were no more specialty displays that used to accentuate the local farmer’s market feel. They didn’t seem to carry as wide a variety of foods either, which forced me to make some educated guesses to complete my shopping.

I went there for legumes, which I found a small selection in the prepackaged aisle. I needed white beans for a Giada De Laurentiis recipe. I love Giada, but I swear, I don’t know where she shops, but some of her ingredients aren’t easily locatable. My choices were great northern beans or cannellini beans. Great northern beans came in a bigger bag and a dollar cheaper, but I caved and bought the cannellini. After I Googled it, it was the right bean to buy because it is a meatier bean with a more nutty, earthy flavor and tender flesh used in Italian dishes. Perfect. 

Next on my grocery list was Tuscan kale, which Whole Foods didn’t have. I used my common sense that Lacinato kale might be close to Tuscan kale, and I was right. I googled it when I got home, and I learned that Dinosaur kale, Lacinato kale, and Tuscan kale were the most similar to each other and interchangeable. Perfect. I love it when a plan comes together.

If nothing else, I was able to leave Whole Foods with a shopping bag full of greens to enjoy for most of the week. I could’ve gotten the same veggies closer to home, but it was an excellent excuse to venture through Whole Foods. The silver lining was learning what ingredient I could substitute with, but I didn’t find everything. I also needed brown lentil, but nobody carries that. Thus, back to the drawing or probably online shopping.

There was another thing that I wasn’t able to figure out today. Once I merged onto 280 South from 92, I was on a stretch of the freeway all alone with all the lanes behind me filled with cars symmetrically in formation at a reasonable distance away. I looked around for some sign of something going on that I wasn’t aware of, like was there a police car doing a Red Robin or something like that? Nope. Nada. Yet, the vehicles hung back as if they knew something I didn’t. I maintained my 70-mph speed, and to my surprise, a little while later, those same cars began flying past me on both sides—a few even cut me off. Again, what was it that they knew that I didn’t know? I never figured it out. Maybe one day, I could interview these drivers and learn what was going on in their heads.

All in all, it was a successful day where I accomplished my car’s battery charging routine, and I acquired some much-needed groceries. I learned that I’m no longer the crazy driver I once was. I also learned some invaluable grocery substitutes that will come in handy. I realized that I have no control over what other drivers do and that their actions may make no sense. All I can do is remain a vigilant driver at all times. And those were the lessons that I learned today.

A Moment in My Life – Tuesday, May 4, 2021

Today, there is much ado with ‘may the fourth be with you.’ The fourth stands for way more than just the galactic celebration that is upon us today. The fourth reminds me of my friend Rambo. Years back, when I was young and impressionable, I met Rambo, and as we got to know each other, he stunned me when he shared that he was in his fourth marriage. Fourth marriage? Holy macaroni! At that time, I hadn’t met anyone who had been married more than twice. Here was a man who doubled that. Oh yeah, thoughts rambled through my mind from wondering why he had that many marriages, to whether he had trouble making relationships work, to speculating how long his current marriage would last. Postscript: two decades later, and the couple is still happily married.

Since then, I’ve known many people who have been widowed a few times over and were lucky enough to find another someone—a fourth marriage, no longer astounding. What amazes me is the part about finding “another” someone. I never thought I would find one someone, let alone find another. Since my soulmate relocated to heaven, I wonder if another soulmate is waiting for me out in this world. I know some widows and widowers remained single the rest of their lives while others remarried or are dating. I sure hope I don’t end up alone for the rest of my life. I can’t say that there hasn’t been a suitor yet, but I can say that none is suitable. I am hopeful that when the timing is right, it will come together.

Until then, I vicariously delight in love through the characters on the small screen. There is much ado about the upcoming season finale of “When Calls the Heart,” with the blooming romance budding between Lucas, Elizabeth, and Nathan. Oh, these poor people. You know one of the guys will lose out. We don’t know which one yet. Fans are pegged up against each other, rooting for either Team Lucas or Team Nathan. Poor Elizabeth. I’m glad I’m not in her shoes, although clearly, I wouldn’t mind being in her shoes. I mean, come on now, I can think of worse things than having two gorgeous hunks pursue me. Seriously though, simply trying to decide whether to root for Lucas or Nathan was hard enough, and it’s just a TV show. How would I choose in real life? I’m rooting for both Lucas and Nathan knowingly that I can’t do that. There can only be one winner, but I like both guys for their unique qualities that they bring to the relationship. This decision is tough. I can’t wait until Sunday night for the season finale, and they had better not cliff hang us until next season to reveal which guy Elizabeth picks. I’ve worn out the edge of my seat all season already. 

I know I said I was rooting for both guys, but I find my heart calling for Nathan more when calls the heart. Something about him feels safe. His Mountie uniform did it for my girlfriend, Michela, but for me, no need for a uniform. His sex appeal stands out on its own. He’s a rugged, hands-on type of guy as masculine as they come, yet he has a soft, loving, and romantic side that makes you feel everything will be okay.

On the other hand, Lucas is the boy-next-door, kind, thoughtful, generous, and reliable. Both guys are a great catch. If only they were real. Speaking of which, if they were real, oh man, how would we pick? How would we know which guy would be the right one? If only we could roll them into one, they’d be the perfect man. If only, but since that’s not possible: like Yoda would say, “Choose wisely, you must.”     

A Moment in My Life – Monday, May 3, 2021

“It is what it is,” rolls off my tongue a lot lately as I accept how little control I have over situations. Growing up, I recited The Serenity Prayer that goes like this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I admit that I felt like a hypocrite for reciting those words without living them, not until recently. I’m a firm believer that timing is everything. The truth is, the timing wasn’t right for me until now. Now, it all makes sense that life is what it is. For most incidents, there is nothing that we can do to change the outcomes. We can, however, control our outlook. 

The sun will rise, and the sun will set. I have no control over whether the sun will make an appearance for my photoshoot or not. There are days when it doesn’t, and it is what it is. I make do with a backup plan to capture another one of God’s masterpieces that I might have overlooked while focusing on the sun. That’s the beauty of life. There’s much ado around us, but we usually tend to focus on a small piece of it. Speaking for myself, that is. One of my former coworkers nicknamed me, Blinders for a reason. I don’t take it derogatorily. There is truth in his assessment of me. I pride myself on being an achiever, and you don’t earn that title without being focused. The bad part is that I sometimes miss the bigger picture. Things often happen to redirect our focus and open our eyes to new inspiration, a solution to a problem, or revelation that we’re on the right or wrong path, which everyone can appreciate checkpoints at one time or another.

Checkpoints are good. It keeps me grounded and moving forward. It is a great way to reassess if plans are meeting or missing the mark. One of these checkpoints revealed to me that I’ve evolved from who I was eons ago. I think it might have something to do with the residual Prednisone side effect that plagued me for the last month. My side effect was having my emotions turned down low to the point that I didn’t care about things that once mattered, like meeting deadlines. My discipline to never miss a deadline has excelled me throughout my career. Once, I didn’t care about a deadline; I knew something was wrong even if I couldn’t control it. Lately, I’m slowly returning to my old self as I have resumed meeting my deadlines.

That’s not the revelation that I want to share. This Saturday at 10 p.m., I received some news that would have freaked me out in the past, and I would have spent the whole night worrying about it. Instead, this time, to my surprise, I didn’t lose sleep over it, but I did have trouble falling asleep even with two MidNite sleep-aid tablets. There is nothing that I can do to change the outcome of this situation, which is a bit too personal to share, but it will have a significant impact on my life. At this checkpoint is how I learned that I have evolved, and the timing is perfect because it is what it is, and worrying or freaking out won’t make it better or change anything except stress me out more, which would make the situation worst. 

I’m facing my trial with my eyes on God because everything is His. He promises not to forsake me or give me more than I can handle. He promises that if He brings it to me, He will see me through it. I have faith in my God that He will do as He promises. My burden may be heavy at the moment, but I know I will be okay as long as I keep my eyes on Him.  

 Bible says that the rain will fall for the just and the unjust. Life will happen. Some won’t be pleasant. We can’t escape it, but we can adjust our outlook on life, and that will make any gloomy day a sunshiney one, and it doesn’t matter if it is what it is.   

A Moment in My Life – Friday, April 30, 2021

In the opening scene of this week’s “Kung Fu” CW series, Evan alerts Nicky that her new friend, Henry, has a long rap sheet and juvie record. Nicky refused to either believe or listen to Evan’s report. He rattled on until she hung up. Too late—Nicky’s mind filled with doubt. It’s like when the judge orders the jury to disregard something. You know it’s too late. Once said, you can’t un-hear it. Before Evan’s call, Nicky was falling for Henry, but they’ve been busy solving the mystery at hand that they know little about each other. They haven’t forged the bond to learn each other’s character yet. It didn’t help that Henry stole an artifact from the house they broke into earlier, and she witnessed him secretly handing it over to a thief. Nicky felt betrayed and lied to compounded with his record; she confronted him. After a heated exchange, where Henry tried to explain, Nicky stifled him, realizing that his past was none of her business. Henry insisted. In the end, Nicky’s first impression of Henry prevailed over the circumstantial evidence that wasn’t what it seemed. 

A few days ago, I met an acquaintance, let’s say, Sam, on a FB group where I enjoyed the friendly banter between us. From the name Sam used on the FB account, I imagined I was chatting with a female until a mutual friend, I’ll call him Andy, advised me that I was talking to a guy. Wow, my eyes opened! Not that gender mattered, but it would be nice to know which gender I was talking with. It took me by surprise that I had mistaken Sam for a girl. I appreciated the clarification. I don’t think I needed the additional information that Andy privy me to about Sam. Since I was in a state of surprise, I hung onto every word Andy shared about Sam, which replayed in my mind whenever I encountered Sam’s online name on the screen. As I got off the initial surprise, I realized that I was reviving Andy’s opinion of Sam in my mind, and that was wrong. It’s unfair to Sam and me that I was basing Sam’s character on Andy’s idea instead of my first-hand experience. Realizing this, I wiped the slate clean, and I am disregarding what I heard (I will try my darndest.) and get to know Sam better and decide for myself who Sam is. I shouldn’t assume that Sam is who Andy says he is. They formed a friendship based upon their shared experiences that shaped Andy’s opinion—unique to them.

I know the value of being misrepresented without a voice. A little backstory, I’ve always been a clean freak who likes a place for everything and everything in its place to the extent that I would get up early every Saturday morning when I was a teen and clean the house before my family woke up. One caveat, I hated cleaning toilets. My seven years younger sister, Susie, hated cleaning the house but didn’t mind the toilet. I thought I had the perfect plan when I offered her a deal. If she cleaned the one toilet, I would clean the whole house. She jumped at that deal so quick; I didn’t remember the handshake. A few decades later, most of my family relocated to San Diego while I remained in the bay area. My family and extended family were tight since they saw each other often. I was like a stranger visiting annually, if that much. When I visited, I felt like a stranger with all eyes scrutinizing me. Everybody was too polite to say anything, but being hypersensitive, I felt something was going on. I could see it in their eyes that they were thinking something about me and not favorably. Eventually, I heard a story going around through the grapevine that I was a mean you know what who used to force my little sister to clean toilets. What? I was flabbergasted and wished someone would have said it to my face so that I could’ve recanted the story with the truth. 

Since I’ve been on the receiving side of being misrepresented, I vow to give everybody the benefit of a doubt. I’ll spend time getting to know people for myself and form my own opinion. Everybody has his or her own story that only they know. People tend to too quickly jump to conclusions before they get the whole story, which is sad and unfair because it’s not always what it seems.

A Moment in My Life – Thursday, April 29, 2021

It’s not every day that we get called on for breaking a rule, but we could. What’s odd is having that happen twice in the same morning. You know what that means? When it rains, it pours. When you’re naughty, you’re naughty. Joking aside, it did happen this morning but was just not personally directed at me both times. Nobody likes a scolding, even if it’s sugarcoated. I surely don’t, but sometimes it’s a necessary evil. Rules are set in place for a reason to keep things rolling smoothly along. We need rules to set the boundaries. It’s imperative to have rules, especially in clubs or groups where masses of people are involved, like on FB. I think you all know what FB stands for. I’m not spelling it out. I don’t want to be censored, or worst, banned from FB. 

FB has been a lifesaving place through the pandemic, but long before Covid hit, I have appreciated FB for reconnecting with many people I knew from different walks of my life. Through FB, some of us have gotten second chances to become friends. I recently learned that a FB friend of mine was in my graduating class in junior high school, but our paths never crossed back then. It’s incredible because what are the chances that two people might serendipitously reconnect in the physical world? Probably, slim. I’ve met dozens of people through the shared interest groups on FB, where some have become good friends. Had it not been for these groups, I wouldn’t have new friends from all over the world in my life, especially not during quarantine.

 Considering the good from FB, it makes it more palatable to follow the rules set by admins of the groups. It’s a tough job being the rule enforcer, but someone has to do it. Most people shy away from confrontation, let alone speak up with a complaint. It takes courage to confront someone when someone is violating the rules. 

Generally, we don’t intend to break a rule. In my case, I wanted to share a song that I love, but my bad was that I wasn’t paying attention to genre and group specifications. Oops, my bad. I listen to music and get too comfortable sharing with the group, which was my downfall.

In the other incident, someone spoke out prematurely with unofficial news inadvertently spinning gossip. The person, I don’t know who it was, spoke without malice but with concern because they cared. I may not know who the person was, but I’ve come to know the people in this group. They are all loving and kind people who care with big hearts.

It’s good to refresh on rules to avoid an unnecessary confrontation. I shouldn’t need a refresher. I should have the rules locked down. If, however, I trip, it’s nice that someone is watching out for the group. It’s nothing personal. I was impressed with both confronters who spoke kindly and diplomatically, simply stating that rules are rules.  

A Moment in My Life – Wednesday, April 28, 2021

The long-awaited moment has arrived. CDC announced that fully vaccinated people can enjoy the outdoors and small indoor gatherings without donning a mask now. Keep in mind that this relaxed restriction applies two weeks after your second vaccine shot. In contrast, semi-vaccinated folks need to continue adhering to the full precaution measures. I already saw a man walking outside without a mask. You know what? It seemed perfectly normal seeing a bare-faced man again. How quickly we can adapt back to our old normal! As cool as this is, it’s no comparison to the excitement of sports fans once again allowed to root for their teams live at the stadium. I am amazed by the outbursts from their endearing fans.

It wasn’t long ago when I swore that I wouldn’t be heading back out there any time soon. Nothing is set in stone. As is with life, things happen, and we must go with the flow. With that said, I’ve already attended a front lawn milestone birthday celebration for a good friend just weeks ago. After declining the invitation twice before, I finally accepted one of my besties’ takeout dim sum dates and had a wonderful afternoon catching up with her. I’ve also welcomed my niece’s visiting me for a week. If you told me I’d be socializing with people so soon, I’d laugh in your face, but I can’t do that anymore. It’s now a part of my history. Had I not gotten my vaccine, I definitely wouldn’t be as brave.

Before I got vaccinated, I begrudgingly braved going to Stonestown, which I hadn’t been to any mall other than Tanforan since before the pandemic. I had no intentions of going near them anytime soon. Alas, life happens. The graphics card on my cell phone decided to go out one morning, sending me off to the Stonestown Apple Store. I was surprised to see all the cars and people at this mall in the middle of a weekday. We were barely in the orange tier. Other than the masks on everyone’s face and numerous closed storefronts, I wouldn’t have known we were in a pandemic. People carried on like life as usual.

I heard on the news that the number of travelers has increased within this past month. My first inclination is nervousness, but I’m encouraged and excited on the second thought because I, too, am so eager to travel again. For months now, my mind kept going back to the idea of a river cruise, and since I’ve fallen in love with everything Louisiana, I’m longing to live on a Mississippi river cruise. Recently, I discovered Queen Latifah’s cover of “Hello Stranger,” and her soothing rendition immediately transported me to the lounge on board the cruise ship where I’ve been vicariously sipping an amaretto sour on the rocks and swaying left and swaying right to this song. It feels so real. I open my eyes, and I feel refreshed as if I returned from vacation. Okay, so I won’t be cruising any time soon. And yeah, okay, so I don’t drink. And yeah, right, you got me. I don’t dance either, but hey, who’s fantasy is it anyway? So, vicariously, I am enjoying this sort of holographic cruise until it becomes a reality that I suspect won’t be much longer as more people get fully vaccinated, and more restrictions ease up.

All around me, I see hope. The pandemic isn’t over yet. We have to continue being vigilant, but we can relax a bit and enjoy whatever normalcy we’re comfortable with that we’ve been allowed. I wasn’t in a hurry to get vaccinated or go back out there, but I did, and I’m glad I did. I just needed a little nudge. Now, I’m looking forward to life as usual.

A Moment in My Life – Tuesday, April 27, 2021

I have this friend I adore because the sky is the limit on what we talk about when we’re together. The other day, she, I’ll call her Sky, and I was chatting. As usual, we bantered from this to that topic endlessly. On this day, we had to agree to disagree on a particular subject that has occasionally flashed in my mind ever since. So much has changed over the years as more and more of my gender become self-sufficient and remaining single longer, which might have played into Sky’s view (pun intended, LOL). We didn’t disagree on everything but parts of it, we did. Since there is no longer a “Dear Abby” to rely on, feel free to chime in with your two cents. I sincerely want to know what you think.

Here goes: the topic was who should pay the check on the first date. I personally never thought about it. In my upbringing, it was an unspoken rule that the guy pays. According to Sky, she has a rule to ask for separate checks on first dates as soon as the waiter appears at their table. She rids the awkwardness before the guy says anything. It has worked out well for her. It turns out that most guys appreciate this rule. I don’t oppose it. I am a firm believer in “to each its own.” If it works for you, go for it. With that said, I, however, do have reservations about doing it myself. And, ladies and gentlemen, that’s why I am posing this question to y’all. Who should pay the check on a first date?

I may not have been on a romantic first date in decades, but I have been on many social dates with both genders. I imagine that a romantic first date wouldn’t be any different from a date with a new friend, but I’m a bit on the rusty side. Thus, I best not make any assumptions. Sky and I agree that for most regular dates, the one who extended the invitation pays. I’ve seen it go either way. It’s pretty subjective and not a big deal. Many of my peeps that I hang with usually do the “I’ve got this, you get the next one” kind of deal. It all works out one way or the other. I’ve lost track of who’s turns it was to pay. When you hang out with decent people, you don’t have to keep track.

There was a time when I encountered fishy people who would pull one over me all the time. Where they invited me out, then announce, “Oh darn, I forgot my wallet,” kind of thing. I had a boss who invited me to lunch and surprised me by splitting the bill 50/50 when she ordered twice as expensive a meal as I did. I bit my tongue and paid. The next time she invited me out to lunch, I was wise to her, and I ordered whatever I wanted, knowing I’d paid for it anyway. This time, to my surprise, her meal was 25 cents less than mine. She didn’t go 50/50 this time but told me I had the more significant portion of the bill. Wham! Boss or no boss, I gave her my two cents. I’m nobody’s doormat, mind you. My experiences may not have to do with a “date” date, but it’s close enough. Sky had her experiences that jaded her to create her “rule,” and I can’t blame her. I guess, in my own way, I started unspoken rules to protect myself from being taken advantage of by fishy people, too.

I do wonder. Is it a good idea to start a relationship off by asking for separate checks? Doesn’t that set the stage for lack of trust in the relationship? See, that’s my concern. It’s not the money in question, but rather, what type of relationship am I setting the stage for in this scenario? Trust is imperative in my relationships. If we can’t trust each other with money, how can I trust you with my heart? Enough said. “Check please.”

A Moment in My Life – Monday, April 26, 2021

“We all want what we ain’t got.” At first glance, it made me think of wanting something like a new toy the Jones has that might be a bit out of reach. For me, it was acquiring something in purple. Purple wasn’t always as available as it is now. It killed me when I bought something in whatever color they had, only for them to come out with purple months later. Ugh. Now, what? Repurchase it just for the color? I admit I have bought the item twice just because they later came out with purple. Then, I had to figure out what to do with the non-purple one. Luckily, my niece welcomed the metallic gray Kitchen-Aid stand mixer when I replaced it with one in purple.

I know what I just shared is simplistic. Wouldn’t it be nice if life were simple? Alas, that’s not always the case. If it were, then there wouldn’t be songs like this one where Jake Owen rips my heart out with his words. Life is filled with aspirations, desires, and dreams that feel so close but are so far away. For some people, their dreams fall right into place seemingly effortlessly. For others, try as they might; it never seems to become a reality. 

I don’t covet what others have. I’m happy for them. The way I see it, if it were meant for me, then one day it would come my way, too. I don’t need to have what others have. I’m content, so I thought, until Jake sang, “We all want what we ain’t got. All I want is what I had. I’ll trade it all just to get her back.” His melancholy ballad longing for what he had sent a shiver of emotion through my core as a similarity woke the repressed desire of my heart, and the silent screams bounced off the walls within. Nobody can hear what’s in my heart.

I’ve archived that desire into limbo land, never to surface again. “All I want is what I had. I’ll trade it all just to get her back,” is too close to home because that is how I feel. I do want what I had. I was living my dream until Mark’s death robbed me of it. I would trade it all just to get him back. I still see us as little hunched over 80 somethings walking hand-in-hand, balancing ourselves with canes out for a morning walk through the park. It feels so real and so unfair that regardless of how badly I want this, it won’t ever happen.

My heart’s desire isn’t as easy to fulfill as a new toy, and neither is waiting for a dream to become a reality. Life isn’t that simple. We may never get what we want in this lifetime, but we have to keep striving for it because you never know where your path may lead. I believe there is a season for everything, and people come into our lives for a season, and then they move along. As much as my heart hurts, I know Mark came into my life for a reason. I guess he completed his purpose, and it was time for him to leave to make room for what God has planned for me in the future. I have to trust Him because He has my best interest in mind. With that said, it doesn’t mean that everything is suddenly peachy. We, being humans, will always tend to covet what we don’t have. The neighbor’s grass may still seem greener, but the truth is things aren’t always the way it looks. Regardless of how easy it seems, it took a lot of work to appear effortless for some people to achieve their dreams, which means with hard work, all of us stand a chance of acquiring our goals. All we can do is try.

For me, I will trust that I’ll meet my other soulmate one day because God doesn’t want me to be alone, but that doesn’t mean that I will ever forget Mark. He’ll always be an essential part of me. I never thought of myself as covetous, but this song revealed another way that I am—not by what others have, but what I had. In that way, I too wanted what we ain’t got.